So there's a really important thing you should understand about me: I'm a father of two sons. If you're a parent of any reasonable account, you know how significant that is. My boys are my pride and joy, the people I love above any and everything in life. They're also the reason why I'll never, EVER have any more kids.
I mean, as great as kids are -- and they are great -- being a parent is tough. Being a parent estranged from their mother and by proxy them, living in another state and having to put up with a buncha bullshit makes it that much tougher. So I decided a long time ago that it was two and I'm through. I'm lucky enough to have sons that are the spitting image of dad, have a great relationship with them and be young enough that they'll be grown while I still have some of the prime of my own life left. Why ruin a good thing?
This however, does NOT sit well with a female coworker of mine and her roommate, who I was driving home tonite. My decision to not want anymore children, in their minds was an affront to whomever I wind up hitched to (this is assuming I'm getting hitched; more on that later). By deciding at a young age and before I'm married (there's that assumption again) that I want no more children, I'm somehow snatching something away from whoever this woman is, assuming she has no children of her own, they argued.
This argument went on the whole ride, but at the end of the day, they surmised that what really must be going on is that I just haven't found the right woman, that when she comes along, I won't be so rigid.
Um, no. Ladies, please do NOT follow this line of thinking in your dealings with men. If a guy tells you he doesn't intend to do something -- get married, be monogamous, have babies, take out the trash every week -- assume he means it. Decide whether or not you can deal, and if you can't, move on.
And fellas: stick to your guns. If you know you don't want brats, don't make 'em. If you're not a Johnny Gill-type, don't be shammed into believing that all you are is some sensitive guy waiting to be touched by an angel so you can become more of a gentleman. Do you. Be you.
Manlaw: If I say it, I mean it. And don't expect me to change. You'll lose that bet every time.
-PGS
16 comments:
Going with this water-into-wine analogy...
Just because they won't change doesn't mean you can't work with them!
These men are ideal for what I like to call Expiration Dating. Got a summer with nothing to do? This guy is Mr. Right (Now).
Save your eggs -- and your emotions! -- for Mr. Mom.
LOL wow, expiration dating!!! So why can't you just marry, if you wanted to do that, a woman that doesn't want to have her own kids? Not every woman wants them, or maybe she just doesn't want to go through the spit up and stuff. THEY just tryin to have your babies, is all.
Hmmmmm. I'm not getting the whole "kids" thing? Why must anyone have them. People always gotta look retard-faced when you say you don't want kids, especially a woman. That is definitely a choice, not a duty in my book and I honestly feel that folks who want to argue with you about it just feel stuck cause they broke and can't sleep when they want cause they made that choice, amongst other things.
But in harmony with the post I have learned that when he says something, he means it and I leave it alone...
Well, I'm gonna have to co-sign with this post. I always said i would never-ever-never marry a man without children, becuase I wasn't sure I wanted to have any, knew I wanted a family just wasn't sure i wanted to actually give birth to any. I married a man with 2 (love them to death) and we had one more. One and I'm done. I totally support a person's desire not to have children or any more children. What could be wrong with setting limits on what you think is acceptable?
Kansas City, that's a question I was asked in my conversation, and the easiest answer I have to it is that you just have to make a choice at some point about what you can stand and what you can't. For me that means if I meet a woman who doesn't have kids and who wants them, well, she's just not the woman for me. There's no middle ground on that, no person who's gonna come along and make me see the light. If you want children, I'm not the guy for you, and you're not the chic for me.
i hear this argument and would agree eight of 10 times, but...
i was definitely one of those ones who was hardcore about not having kids.
my other edict was not to date any man who already has children.
well, right now, i'm seriously involved with a man who has kids. and i love his children just as much as he does.
i also have given some thought to us having one of our own. he'd be fine either way. but i'm open to it, more so than i have been in the past.
love does change things, wheher you want to believe it or not. if you look back over the course of your most deeply-intimate relationships, there are things you said you weren't going to do that you wound up doing.
the thing is, if you really love someone like that, you find yourself wanting to sacrifice to make them happy.
i'm not trying to change your mind, and i do applaud you for being up front with women.
i also know marriage isn't for everyone, either. but your attitude toward marriage plus the no-kids hard-and-fast rule leads me to believe you might have a few issues with women that haven't been worked out. possibly you can't see yourself being that deeply involved with a woman again, enough to wear you would seriously consider children.
of course, do what you want. and i encourage all men to tell the truth and not what we want to hear. but if you can really say that if you met the woman of your dreams, your Isis, yo queen, yo boo, yo ride-or-die, and she had never had children...if you could look her in her face and say hell-to-the-naw...hey, it means you are indeed on the for real. my guess would be...you'd at least consider it.
jus' sayin'...
Your guess, j, is wrong. Like i said: if she wants kids, I don't care if she's the queen of sheeba, she's a wrap.
i call bullshit. :)
and i didn't say you would do it...i said you'd AT LEAST think about it.
question: have you turned down a great woman before -- i.e. extracted yourself from a relationship that has gone on a few months -- because she wanted kids?
if you have yet to do it...i'm definitely calling bullshit.
if you were a tiny bit older -- like late 30s, early 40s -- i'd give you the benefit of the doubt.
and by great i mean, a woman you have dropped the 'i love you' on...
Last week on Maury, there were revealing secrets...and i just knew the chick was gonna tell her hubby the baby wasnt his....she was crying and boohooing all over the stage...i thought it was THAT serious....her secret was she wasnt 3 months pregnant cuz she couldnt have kids.....and of course the hubby was liek WHEW thats nothing we can get thru this...
On the point about what happens when you meet a man who doesn't want kids, but you do. What happens when you get serious...the Common Sense answer. DON'T GET SERIOUS!! If he says it up front and you still go into the relationship and he doesn't change, you are to blame. You put yourself in the position to be hurt.
Sister Hizz put it perfectly, save your eggs and emotions. When women do this to themselves, this is when they do shit like sneak and get pregnant. All that does it get you dropped and with more financial strain.
I also agree with Stiltwalker, these people may be unhappy because of their decisions and want to take it out on other people. Well I give you your props brotha. I don't know your whole story, but you are rolling with it with your kids and what you do with your kids is all that matters.
And finally ladies, IT'S TRUE. 99.9 percent of the time, what men say is what they mean. Unfortunately that's not always the case with us. I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking my sisters, but this is how I feel.
As a woman I must co-sign this post. This is the damn truff!
When a man tells you how he is...BELIEVE HIM! He knows better than you. Too often women enter into these relationship like they are Man Makeover Shows.
You will not get the prize at the end if you are successful in a changing man! Why not? YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN! He changes when he is damn well ready. He won't wantto have kids just because he loves you. Perhaps, his love for you will make him realize how beautiful a child will be with you. But, that will be a decision he comes to on his own. Him and God figured that out. In the end, you'll be pissed off, childless and angry once you realize this man wasn't playing when he said he didn't want anymore kids.
You see Joan on Girlfriends had to be true to herself and kick Brock to the curb because of this...LOL! Follow Suit!
I love Girlfriends!
TRUE TRUE TRUE!! Women have to respect a man who's being honest without trying to change him. Like you said, you have to know what you're willing to deal with and what you're not, and at that point, the decision is on you....
I agree with The Stiltwalker on the children issue. Every woman is NOT mommy material and not all of us want kids! Life can be happy and fulfilled without them.
Also, men are not pieces of clay that can be molded into things, and neither are women. If any PERSON tells you what they do or don't want out of life, honor what they say to you and accept it or MOVE THE FUCK ON!
I like this post and totally agree, men and women should respect what each other say and what their stands are, unequivocally.
That said, you know that saying about 'the best laid plans?' Are you prepared, physiologically speaking, to not have anymore kids? Or are you leaving that up to your mate at the time to be responsible for birth control?
You're prepared for the rest of your intimate relationships to always include condoms, diaphrams, or spermicides or have you nipped it in the bud, so to speak?
What if she does get pregnant, after all you are just a man and she a woman, you've got to accept it and start buying baby clothes, or prepare to support her in abortion/adoption, especially if she didn't want kids.
Sorry to say, once you ejaculate if your sperm count is normal, the 'decision' is no longer up to you, unless you take appropriate measures.
Mean what you say, but put some action behind the words...
I like this post and totally agree, men and women should respect what each other say and what their stands are, unequivocally.
That said, you know that saying about 'the best laid plans?' Are you prepared, physiologically speaking, to not have anymore kids? Or are you leaving that up to your mate at the time to be responsible for birth control?
You're prepared for the rest of your intimate relationships to always include condoms, diaphrams, or spermicides or have you nipped it in the bud, so to speak?
What if she does get pregnant, after all you are just a man and she a woman, you've got to accept it and start buying baby clothes, or prepare to support her in abortion/adoption, especially if she didn't want kids.
Sorry to say, once you ejaculate if your sperm count is normal, the 'decision' is no longer up to you, unless you take appropriate measures.
Mean what you say, but put some action behind the words...
Post a Comment