Letter To Black Women

Dear Black Women,

Let me start of by saying this to you all: I love you and have so much respect for you all. I really do. The burdens you all carry are so great.  You are definitely appreciated.

However, I have not been feeling the love from some of you. Lately, there seems to be a small, yet powerful and growing, movement of Black women who seem to hate/dislike or are disappointed in Black men. I have read so many articles,blogs and news reports about Black women saying Black men ain't sh*t/wont settle etc, Black men only like White women, Black men are less successful than Black women. It saddens me to see some of you say this. I feel the need to clarify and inform since many of these statements and feeling are inaccurate.

First, I will tackle the whole dating thing. I am hearing a lot from some Black women that "Men ain't sh*t" and all other variants of that. I feel that many of these women need to look in the mirror. One, quit trying to make someone into what you want instead of accepting them for who they are. Too many times we try to mold someone. It is not going to happen. Men give clear signals when they are not happy or don't want to commit. Pay attention, assess, then move on.. Secondly, that man might be a good man, just not the one for you. Incompatibility does not make someone a bad person, just a bad partner. Thirdly, many times we don't take the time to reflect on the damage we done. Many of the women who spew negativity need to take stock of the damage they have done; do some critical self-reflection. Take responsibility for the role you have play in the demise of your relationship.

The second issue I need to tackle is interracial dating. Black men are not "betraying" their race or Black women by dating outside their race. Black men do not "hate" Black women because they date outside their race. Let me tell you why some Black men date outside their race: numbers. Dating only Black women limits the pool. Expanding your pool to include women of other races expands the potential pool of mates. Quit reading your magazines, chatting with your girlfriends. They have the game all messed up. Black men love Black women. We really do. Dating outside the race does not mean we don't love you. We will still love and support Black women in any endeavors even if we date outside the race. Are some brothers self-loathers? Yes, but they are so few. It is not an epidemic of Black men who hate Black women. That is soooooooo wrong. So when you see a Black dude down the street with a woman of another color, don't hate. Be happy that he hopefully found someone and is able to create a happy and healthy relationship. Also, it takes more energy to be upset at that man than it is to find the right one for you.

Overall, I just want you all to know that I am worried. The movement of haters among Black women is growing. And if we hope to improve the condition of Black America, I need Black women to support the brothers. I need brothers to do the same.

Sincerely,

Epsilonicus

Where to Meet Men

O.K. Ladies.

You're single (and don't want to be). Don't shake your head...you know I'm talking the truth. Stop listening to your girlfriends and for once listen to a man that can tell you where to find men.

Now, I can't promise you that he'll be single or even a man that you want to date...that's your homework assignment...should you choose to accept it.

I'll just point you in the right direction. I listed these as they came into my brain and not in order of importance.

1) Happy Hours/After work events.
My professional male friends and I have made the transition to attending more happy hours and after work events than staying out late.The reason being...most of us have to go to work in the morning but we still want to socialize with the professional crowd. The drinks are cheap. The music is usually good. People tend to loosen up when alcohol is involved. Also, you'll more than likely catch him in his Sunday best...since he just got off of work, which theses days is a very good thing. Wear something cute...put on some of that good perfume (don't over do it)...sit near the bar or a television...and make sure to smile (I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH) at any guy you think is cute.

2) Library
Every woman should love an intelligent man and especially one that reads a lot or has an extensive vocabulary. A man that knows his way around the library should be a man that has the key to your heart. Women tend to read...a lot more...than men and it seems to me that women dominate every book club that I hear about. Wouldn't it be nice to find a man that reads as much as you do? And wouldn't it be nice to have a stimulating conversation with a man about the hottest books on the bestseller lists? I think it is time to update your library card and find a good seat near the entrance.

3) Ski Trips
A lot of men like sports. A lot of men go on ski trips. Now, before anyone jumps all over me...I know a lot of people don't actually ski on ski trips. It is about socializing and what better way to interact with men than in front of a fireplace on a cold winter day/night. Most ski trips usually involve a bus ride to and from the ski location and that's plenty of time to talk. If you see a cutie, sit near him on the bus ride and strike up a conversation. Don't wait too long though because women tend to outnumber guys on ski trips...so you want to get ahead of the competition...if you know what I mean.

4) Spoken Word Events
I don't know a woman that doesn't love a man who is a spoken word artist or a man that appreciates listening to good spoken word. It is such a relaxing activity and add in a glass of wine/or your favorite beverage and it is a can't miss type of evening. You're probably not going to find a lot of men at a spoken word event...so pay attention to any guy that does show up. If he has the courage to get on stage or pick up the microphone...then you should probably bump him up on your priority list. If he does perform, you'll get a chance to learn how his mind works (the clean and probably the dirty version). Women always want to know what men are thinking and he'll probably make that task easy for you. Wear something cute...put on some of that good perfume (don't over do it)...sit near the front or near the entrance...and if you are a spoken word artist yourself...get on stage and wet his appetite.

5) Sports Bars
This should be obvious. If you don't actually see a sporting event live, the next best thing is to go to a sports bar. And guess what you'll find there...Men...Men and more Men. Now, if you absolutely hate sports...then this isn't a place you should try. If you can at least tolerate sports (don't need to be an expert or anything) this might be a gold mine. Find a sports bar that has the NFL ticket in the Fall and visit on a Sunday afternoon or catch the Sunday Night Football game. If you can hang late on a Monday night...go for the Monday Night Football game. Later in the season, the NFL plays games on Thursday nights. Of course, there are the NFL playoffs and those games are always on Saturday evenings and Sunday afternoons. And of course there is always the Super Bowl. Someone you know has to be throwing a Super Bowl party. Don't neglect the NCAA men's basketball tournament in March or the NBA playoffs in May and June or the MLB playoffs in late September and the month of October.

6) Super Bowl Parties
Someone you know has to be throwing a Super Bowl party. It is the most watched sporting event in the world and guess what a lot of men will be watching the game and hopefully at the party that you are going to. Sit near the TV or near the alcohol table (men like to drink too) so you'll get a bird's eye-view of which guys might not be paying attention to every detail in the game and instead checking you out. At halftime, move closer to your target and strike up a conversation about a big play in the first half. At the end of the game, you both should have already exchanged information.

7) Weddings
I strongly suggest that women attend the weddings of single male friends because every man that is getting married wants his male friends to witness it. You might get stuck at the singles table at the wedding reception but you can always walk around and talk to anyone that is interesting. When the music comes on...get on the dance floor and show what you got. But of course, keep it classy and don't get drunk and start falling all over yourself. Keep it classy. Of course, if he has a wedding ring on...look but DON'T TOUCH. You don't want another black woman trying to cut you. lol.

Birthday parties of your single male friends
For pretty much the same reason listed above for weddings, birthday parties of single male friends is one of the highest concentration of places you'll find other single men. If there is a guy that you have your eye on...ask the host (your male friend) what's the deal with him. He might even put in a good word for you to his boy and let the matchmaking begin.


Other places you are likely to bump into some men via suggestions from female friends who have found mates by meeting them at the following places.

Home Depot/Lowes (this was strongly suggested by some single female homeowners that I know but I'm not officially buying it. lol)

Fundraisers for charities

Bookstores

Community service events

Political events

Act Like a Lady: Think Like a Man Discussion (Part 2)

I want to say thank you to the 165 people that tuned into the live chat on Easter Sunday. I'm not sure if all the chatters were women but I suspect a very good portion were that night. Thank you for the support.

I hope you enjoyed the comments from my man Keith and I about the topics that Steve Harvey mentioned in his book. Someone asked when are we going to do a chat like this again and the honest answer is, I don't know.

If someone wants our thoughts (the male perspective...that is) on a specific topic about dating e-mail us at brothersmanlaw@yahoo.com and I'll see if I can't turn it into a blog entry or another chat.

Once again thanks for making the 4 hour and 47 minute chat (I was only planning on 2 hours max...lol) a total success.

Act Like a Lady: Think Like a Man Discussion...

Please come back on Sunday, April 12 at 7 p.m. as I'll host an online discussion about Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady: Think Like a Man."

I agreed with about 65 percent of what Steve Harvey said. The book is hilarious and even if you think Steve Harvey is full of himself...the book is worth a look. On Sunday evening, I'm going to give the non-celebrity man's point-of-view of what Steve Havey was saying.

See you then.

Public Service Annoucement for the Ladies

-Written By A Woman

Honestly, I’m tired of hearing chicks say, “Men ain’t ish.” While this may be true some of the time, have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s something that you’re doing that is making men not want to stop and talk to you? You could just be unapproachable and that is why you can’t find a decent man. Maybe it’s something beyond your control, but then again maybe it’s not. Try to check the following:


Your Expressions:

Body language can tell a lot about a person like whether they’re mad or happy, or if they’re too busy to be bothered. You cannot go out somewhere and expect to meet men if you’re going to sit in the same spot all night with your arms folded across your chest. Men feed off your energy so if you want to meet someone you will have to be aware of your body language at all times. You don’t want the same ugly no good men walking up to you asking, “Why you looking so mean?” You know they’re bold and don’t care. Keep a pleasant look on your face and uncross your arms. This is an invite to let men into your space.

Your Appearance:

So you’re really walking out the house with curlers in your hair and your toes hanging over your flip flops? This is a no-no if you’re trying to catch a positive eye. Mr. Right could be out there but he’s going to look right over you and put you in the “hell no” category. If you have on sandals, make sure they are the right size and your toes are done. And if you have to keep your hair tied up, try to at least do it stylishly with a silky scarf…think Alicia Keys “Unbreakable” video. A good man wants his lady to look nice when she steps out.

Who you’re with:

“You’re only as good as the company you keep.” So why are choosing the loudest friends you have to go party with? You know the ones that dance on top of the bar and grab guys to get their attention and to buy them drinks. Sure, you all have a good time when you’re out. But save them for ladies nights when you aren’t thinking about men. If he see’s you with them, more than likely, he will think you act just like them and will ignore any eye contact you give him.

Manlaw: Already explained in the first paragraph by the female ghost writer.

New Dating philosophy?

I saw the following passage about a guy posted on a message board. Funny story and a lesson for the ladies out there.

-- MY DATE LAST NIGHT ---

When I did my taxes this year I found out that I spent over $14,000 on Dates last year. Most of that was spent on dinner and drinks in Manhattan. Now don't get me wrong, I had some very good times, some great sex, some good conversations. Hell, I even made a good friend along the way, but mainly I came away from the date feeling extremely disappointed and with a lighter wallet. Date by date it's not THAT much money but it all adds up fast!

In the past I had a habit of always grabbing the check and paying whether my date was hot or not. Whether we clicked or not. Basically I felt ashamed to let her pay. I also kept and interesting statistic and ev en I was surprised that only 5% of my dates even offered to pay - yes you see that right- 5%! One girl in the entire year offered to pay for the entire check. A very nice gesture. But of course I paid and doubt she was sincere. In light of all this evidence I knew I had to change some things. So, this year.....

I DECIDED TO NEVER PAY FOR A FIRST DATE AGAIN. How did I do this? First adopted the mindset that a girl should naturally assume she's paying for herself. Now this wasn't easy at first but I quickly got used to it. Then when going into the bar/restaurant/lounge etc. I would hand the server a credit card and ask them to open tabs for us. HEY!-Did you catch that? I said 'TABS.' Yah, don't worry at least 95% of the girls I meet miss that one too. Just to make sure I usually confirm that the server has understood me too. I do this when the date rudely answers her cell phone or is in the bathroom (probably using her cell phone). Guys, you know the Mastercard "priceless" serie s of commercials? Well, let me tell you, you won't understand the meaning of 'priceless' until you see one of these girls handed their own check for 3 20$ martinis and overpriced food (that they would probably never buy on their own). It's also very relaxing to encourage the girl to eat and drink up because even at 20$ a pop for exotic gooey blender drinks I could care less how many of them she has - cause SHE'S PAYING.

Oddly enough when she realizes that there are individual bills there will a few prolonged moments of discomfort. But don't panic. Something that took me by surprise is how many girls suddenly have to 'go to an ATM'. I can't quite figure out if it's because their cc's are maxed out on shoe purchases or that they are trying to guilt me into paying. Well, probably a combination of both, but I'm remorseless after doing this for nearly 3 months now. Which brings me to my date last night...... omg.....

Of course the classy nice Irish pub I suggested w asn't good enough for her. Nah...she needed to go somewhere more trendy. Ok, no problem. W? Hudson? Meatpacking Dist? SoHo? Where we going? So she picks a midtown hotel bar. Nice place. Little stuffy. Drinks, not bad and Macadamia nuts on the lounge tables (complimentary) nice! Of course I went thru my usual routine, handed the server a credit card asked her if we can start tabs she said, 'sure' and took the card. 1 drink in her cell phone rang. She apologized, (she had to get it). So I moved into confirmation mode. Our waitress even missed the 'tabs' part but she adjusted on the fly and told me no problem. Boy, let me tell you - the girl i was with could really throw down the drinks. She was drinking scotch that was older than the hotel we were in. Of course I encouraged her the whole way. She was like, wow they have Johnny Walker BLUE label! I was like, 'you ever try it?' She's like....'Nooooooo!!!' I'm like, 'go on....just get some'. She's like 'are you sure'. I'm like, 'look, if you want it, just get it!' So she ordered one, then another, and finally one more..... wow she was probably more than a little drunk. I stuck to my Stoli and a splash of Cran.

When the BILL(S) came she sobered up fast. I caught a glimpse of hers, 5 drinks plus a little finger food $319.00 I think it was. She looked shocked and sick to her stomach when she saw 2 bills. Guess she thought I was buying. Think again. (The old me woulda soaked up the bill but steered her away from the Blue) I had 4 drinks, no food and a great buzz. Pricey Stoli, but overall still a good value (i ate a ton of free macadamias and almond ds) $36.00. Damn I thought, that BLUE label will get you every time. Of course she did more than the traditional fumble through her purse. Her face was beat red and she was speechless. She left the bill on the table and excused herself for the restroom. I had already paid and was sucking on some ice. The waitress was looking concerned. I told her, 'look'. Sure enough my date was heading out toward the front door. I slowly grabbed my coat as the waitress ran after her. Then security or a bellman grabbed her at the door and a small shouting match ensued. Can you imagine, she was trying to leave - without paying!

Well, I didn't stick around to see what happened. All I saw was the poor waitress standing just inside the front door with a small coctail tray. she did look concerned but not panicked. A doorman and bell hop had the girl by the arm, outside and was semi-forcing her back inside, she wasn't getting away from this bill. I paid my bill. I had my receipt. But I couldn' t help wondering why she ordered 3 Johnny Walker Blues, doesn't she know that shit is expensive? Then I wondered if they had to arrest her while I had another drink at my local Irish pub.

I haven't heard from her again. Too bad, she was pretty cute too...


Hence the manlaw: The ladies will get mad because it was a situation where a woman tried to get over on a guy and got PLAYED herself. The telling sign was the walk or sprint of shame to the door, when she she knew damn well she didn't have any cash or the means to pay for the outrageous stuff SHE ordered.

Who the fawk goes out (male or female) and doesn't have ANY MONEY or at least a credit card on them in case of emergency? And if you know you don't have any loot, why are you ordering enough grub and drank to feed an army? That's a terrible upbringing if she was told that a child and even worst if this was reinforced as a young adult.

It tells me she wasn't interested in getting to know the guy, or anyone for that matter, at all...it was all about her "getting something" out of it. What if he walked out on her and left her sitting at the table? What would she have done then? Has dating really deteriorated to this? Do women really calculate in their mind "how much they can squeeze out of a guy on a date?" This gimme mentality has to go...in 2009.

Bottom line.

1) You never assume anything.
2) You always let someone order for themselves.
3) If you don't have MONEY and this goes to ladies too...stay home. Or if you really want to go out, state that you have no money before we agree on plans.

Personally, there wouldn't have been a date if she tried to run this scam on me. The second she mentioned something that was 180 degrees different than what I suggested, it would have been a wrap for me.

Black is Beautiful..

And Susan Crain Bakos wrote an essay about it.

Like to read it? Here you go...

You have to give it to her because she does bring up some interesting points.

Wingman Rules!

My boy Jesse broke this down recently to myself and some other fiends and I felt it was my civic duty to disseminate his manifesto to America.

=======================================================

Ok....we know the ladies have mastered the arts of having their Wingpersons...be he gay man, lady friend, or Mother Hen types, they WILL ruin the fun for everyone because you don't deviate from the plan that was agreed upon when everyone was less horny and drunk. But we men have allowed homophobia and cuckolding women to break up the bond and merit of the beloved "wingman."

I'm reminded of the old Bud Light commercial with the two brothers on a double dinner date when another honey catches one's eye. For those who don't know the Wingman has a different responsibility than the Wingwoman.

Therefore I feel it's my responsibility to offer a refresher course and outline the rules.

WINGMAN RULES


1) It's best to establish before going out who is to "take one for the team" or who is "overdue" for his Leadman role.

2) The Wingman is a mutual role for all parties involved. Unless agreed upon before hitting the scene, whomever gets the hookup first (Leadman), the other(s) must collectively support Leadman until the mission is accomplished.

3) Leave your heart at home. If you're thinking about a lost or distant love, suck it up and be a Wingman to your boy!

4) No cock blockin'! If you're boy already has an in with a lady you've had an eye on, you have 2 options; A) let your boy know and leave it up to HIM to step back (no forcing him to) or B) stick to your duties as a Wingman and act faster next time.

SETTING UP

1) If the decision is made that a spokesperson from the group is to introduce you to the cutie (clearing the brushes if you will), the lead man is NOT, repeat NOT to make eye contact or ever look in the general direction of target until the spokesperson returns. Leadman/Setup should busy himself in convincing conversation...preferably with a woman. Exceptions to the "return" rule include the phone text or another Wingman giving him the "clear."

2) Once the Leadman has an in, the others must do what's necessary to keep things on track. Once Leadman is set, next Leadman is given support.

Group Guys & Group Ladies Mingle:

1)Under NO circumstances are any two couples to hold a private conversation. Two couple break off are the minimum group reduction.

2)Women will find weak Wingman and cause him to divulge the group's weakness, shattering everyone's prospects once word reaches Mother Hen. Answer and/or avoid personal questions about you or wing men accordingly when on the dance floor.

3)NEVER answer a question about your boy unless it's a 100% positive image answer. Questions about other Wingman are answered ONLY in the paired up couple or group presence.

4)Never bicker about money or who is picking up the tab in front of the ladies. Cover your broke ass wingman and cash him out later!

5)Never flash cash in front of the ladies.

Disseminating Information:

1) Always check your Wingman for the grooming keys regularly: hair, collar, fly, breath, sweat, straight clothing. Bring it to their attention ASAP and as discreetly as possible!

2) Children, marriage, pregnancies, smoking, ugly feet, bad breath, bulge between legs, Adam's apple, bad teeth, man hater, possible lesbian, stuffed bras, and weaves should be brought to the attention of ALL members ASAP!! Especially the Leadman. If he looks bad, everyone looks bad! *see below on ABORT PROTOCOL*

3) Needless to say, while looking out for what you like, if you catch a honey eying your boy, you let him know.

4) Always share the eye candy love. Hoggin' up the long legs, Dancefloor Queen, braless honey, or jigglin' butt will get your wings clipped and or "set up" with a #2.

5) NEVER point, provide GOOD landmarks. "9 o'clock in red dress about 5' 7"" Making your boy(s) look all over the place makes the whole group look bad and hungry. Exception to the pointing rule is when a "quick look or miss it " reaction is needed. Do NOT abuse this exception.

ABORT PROTOCOL:

1) Choosing to abort an ongoing "get to know" MUST have agreed approval of at least 2 Wingman before initiating. This is to confirm that reasons for aborting are within the rules of engagement and/or weighed against the potential and likely results of continuing engagement.

2) Abort Level is to be determined 1) GET HIM OUTTA THERE ASAP 2) He's been over there long enough, save that for getting to know later b/c we have bigger fish to fry OR we got a better hook up for him 3) Bring it to his attention and let him make his own decision.

3) The Wingman currently not engaged in a "fast track" conversation with a woman, is to do whatever is necessary to bring the information and recommendation of the group to the Leadman without causing a scene.

PRESENCE

1) make sure each and every pose you hold says MAN. Just like when dancing, never have your arms or hands looking restless.

2) Give your boys room. This ain't Football, no need to huddle. Plus real men take up space they don't need even in a crowd, cuz who's gonna tell them they can't? NO ONE that's who!

3) No staying together for more than 5 min. Good conversation or not, just as lead conversation is to be shared, so is the "lookout" role. Share the responsibility of being the "one" who ventures out to the "chickenhead" cluck group gathered up in the corner or by the bar. Every once in a while, just straight break up and scout the place.

Fellas.....anything I miss?

Wifey Material: How Do You Stack Up?

No. 1 Quality Men Want in a Wife
(from aol.com)

Filed under: Attraction & Chemistry, Friends & Family, Dating, Commitment & Marriage


The adage is true: Men tend to marry a woman who is like their mother.

We're not talking looks or personality. It's even bigger than that. We're talking life direction. Whether a young man's mother earned a college degree and whether she worked outside the home while he was growing up seems to have an effect years later when he considers his ideal wife, according to a study by University of Iowa sociologist Christine Whelan, author of "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women."

High-achieving men, that is those who earn salaries in the top 10 percent for their age and/or have a graduate degree, are highly likely to marry a woman whose education level mirrors their mom's.

Nearly 80 percent of the high-achieving men whose mothers had college degrees married women with college degrees, and 19 percent of them married women with graduate degrees. Of men whose moms had graduate degrees, 62 percent tied the knot with graduate degree holders, and 27 percent said "I do" to women with college degrees.

Sixty-eight percent of high-achieving men agreed with the statement, "Smart women make better mothers."

"Successful men in their 20s and 30s today are the sons of a pioneering generation of high-achieving career women. Their mothers serve as role models for how a woman can be nurturing and successful at the same time," said Whelan, a visiting assistant professor of sociology in the UI College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. "One man I interviewed put it like this: 'If your mother is a success, you don't have any ideas of success and family that exclude a woman from working.'"

Fun facts about men and their mothers:

-- 72 percent of mothers of high-achieving men worked outside the home after they had children.

-- Among those men, 75 percent agreed or strongly agreed with the statement "Men are more attracted to women who are successful in their careers."

-- Men who grew up with working moms were almost twice as likely to marry a woman who makes $50,000 or more per year.

-- 62 percent of high-achieving single men disagreed with this statement: "Women who are stay-at-home parents are better mothers than women who work outside the home."

-- 75 percent of the high-achieving men disagreed with this statement: "It is usually better for everyone involved if the man is the achiever outside the home and the woman takes care of the home and family."

"These young men saw their mothers as smart women who could choose to work outside the home, and now that they're making decisions about what they want in a wife, it seems that they are choosing similar types of women," said graduate student Christie Boxer, who assisted with the research.

Manlaw: Ladies get to know a man's mother very closely. He might not admit this to your face but in some way he's comparing you to his mother to see how you stack up.

Why You Should Avoid Dating Single Mothers!

I can't say I agree with every thing said here, but the man does make some valid points.

I've never dated a single mother myself but I'll have to reference the checklist if I ever come across one soon.