Part One: Short & Sweet (or, an unbelievable lesson from the kitchen) :
I don't want to be asked ANY questions about this, but realer words I've never spoken. Brothers, I know some of us like to cook, and occasionally we try to get fancy with it. That's cool. But if you ever, ever, ever, for any reason, are handling jalapenos or chili peppers while cooking, and afterwards need to scratch or otherwise adjust your testicles...wash your damn hands first. Whatever's in those things that burns the hell out of your tongue, well, let's say that ain't the only thing they'll light up.
Ok, humor at my dumbass expense aside, today's Part Deux deals with questions of equality. Specifically my own personal belief that people have taken the concept of "equality" too far, sometimes to their own, and maybe even society's detriment. Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?
In the last couple of weeks, I've had at least two women ask me whether I thought men, for lack of a better word, are less manly these days. One asked as she lamented how many weak brothers she came across on the dating scene; another asked as she pondered where things might have gone wrong with her 20 year old brother, who is becoming more of a no-account by the day. The boy's living rent-free yet refuses to accept basic responsibilities like doing dishes, cleaning up, helping with utility bills or pitching in to help a sick, down-on-her-luck raise. (Slanguistics note: in the 412 area code, "raise" means "mother".)
My answer to their question about men: absolutely. I think my generation is less manly, in many senses of the word, than previous ones. Why?
Because over the last few decades, there has been a tremendous shift in social paradigms between the sexes. Many are for the better: no one could argue that American society is worse off because women have attained a higher level of parity in salary, professional opportunities and overall social status with men, and things will be better when all disparity is eliminated. But what happens when "parity" gets misconstrued as "equality"?
Let me step back and reiterate: there's anything wrong with parity in society, i.e., parity of rights, responsibilities and the ability to get ahead on every level. But I think we need look no further than our civil rights movement to dissect how "equality" can be a concept gone tremendously wrong. When the movement was about parity -- i.e., equal rights and protections -- many black communities provided for their own with businesses, churches, and in some places, their own defense forces (see Forrest Whitaker's "Deacons for Defense"). Still, basic civil rights and protections were necessary for those communities to achieve parity in society and truly thrive.
But "parity" gave way to "equality", civil rights became a struggle for integration and in many respects assimilation. Many of the strongest black institutions died and left were communities that weren't communities at all, "equal" in the eyes of the law, but with no real parity, and remain without economic and social anchors to this day. Again, why (I know I'm getting long winded -- stick with me y'all)?
Because there is no real "equality" in any sense of the word. Equality means "sameness". Blacks and whites are NOT culturally the same in this country, never have been for the most part, and likely won't ever be. That's a good thing, so long as there are protections to ensure parity, which as a concept is akin to civil rights. Same goes for men and women. Should women have parity with men in society? No question in my mind. But are we "equal", as in the same? Absolutely not. I'm not a woman. Don't behave like one. Can't behave like one.
But many people, I think, take "equality" too literally. And when that happens, people who should celebrate their yin and yang as a positive that fosters balance in the context of parity, trying to occupy the same space. Black folks are trying to be white -- going along to get along -- but never making it. Women are taking on the mantra of "independent sistas" -- proclaiming no need of a man and usurping in many instances roles that men are likely better suited for (ladies, please don't bristle at that. I'm sorry, there are just some things that men are better suited to do, even though you CAN do them. The opposite is also true).
So when you have women trying to occupy that same space as men, what's the next logical step: men, as "equals" would begin to occupy the same space that women did. Thus, less manly men. Your thoughts?
11 comments:
PoppaPimp, I'm hoping none of the ladies snap on you about this.
I completely agree. The most important word is "balance." Con1 rippled the waters when he talked about how he was glad he wasn't a women, but that's ok, cause he wasn't meant to be.
I think it's important that people think about balance in a relationship now especially since the number of women in profesional positions is steadily increasing and will continue to do so.
Two professionals can have a healthy functioning relationship, if they hope to have a balanced relationship.
I am a firm believer in the quote that "a woman can not teach a man how to be a man." Cause no matter what momma, who works her ass off to provide for him, says, she ain't a man.
Balance means, son and daughter need mother and father to see them and know what a stable, balanced relationship is supposed to be like and how they should treat women. Same with a female child.
This is coming from a child whose parents divorced at a young age, but made every effort to be civil in front of us because they understood that concept. That is not the case now when you have women holding their children hostage thinking that the only person they are hurting is the father. When you got 1000 nuccas out there who don't wanna take care of they kids, why you gotta act funny with the one's who wanna do right? That child is being greatly deprived also, so don't wonder why your 14 yr old daughter is all hot in the ass (she's searching for the father figure that YOU deprived her of). Same with a son that may end up making babies all over the place and not caring for them.
Sorry for being long winded but it's something that has always drove me crazy about my sisters. Good post as usual pimpdaddy.
Very well argued. And, I agree.
I do not disagree but I will offer something different.
Firstly:
Equality and Parity are redundant concepts. We should focus on 'Eqaulity of Outcomes'. Minimising material differences is far more effective and outcomes can usually be measured with a great degree of precision, opportunities cannot.
Secondly:
Throughout history slave women and their descendents have been forced to be adaptable in a way their men have not. Here in lies the problem:
Balance is everthing but MOST black men are not as adaptable as black women.
In addition, beacuse sexism is rampant in our community, many learned (biblical pronouciation) black men would still like to see us bare foot and pregnant.
Although we are our mothers daughters we have had the education and/or job opportunities our mothers did not and therefore have access to different options --
Part of those are not staying with a brah for economic reasons when he ain't actin' right! Cos we got our own chit and if deemed necessary can, will and do bounce.
I am an independent chick but DESIRE a man/partner/lover (a good one too). I don't NEED a man.
Black men need to step up and adapt to the changing gender dynamic cos things ain't what they used to be.
Some of y'all go with dumb bitches non-black bitches, become lovers of yourselves cos we ejamacated bitches are too much hard work!
If you choose to be with us you act like you are doing us a favor, cos you ain't in jail, don't sell crack and you got a college degree.
Are black men less manly? NO.
Most Black Men are Cowardly.
They are Cowardly cos they are fearful of renegotiating gender roles to the benefit of their family unit.
They are cowardly cos they momma treat them like de man they ain't got.
And for a whole host of reasons but dis ain't my blog.
Final Point.
I ain't dating no man if he can't wash, clean, and cook or who is not willing to learn.
The only excuse for being unable to do contribute in this manner in our relationship is that you are minted (Paid).
Someone has to look after the kids when I am at work. You do it or pay someone.
There were designated roles in society at one point and now there are none. Now people equate success and accomplishment with earning money. Women who will stay home and raise a family tend to get looked down on by other women. No one really wants a "house-husband" either. Then many men and women want certain aspects of their former role, but not others. For instance: If only one out of five women express gratitude that I hold the door for them, while another two will read me the riot act and call me a chauvinist, and the last two just don't show any gratitude - why would women wonder what happened to chivalry? No matter what people think the old arrangment was a balance. As the man I go out and get resources to take care of my family, my woman utilizes those resource to take care of the family. I provide so that she(we) are straight. She makes sure that I(we) are straight so the resources can keep coming. Reciprocity. This Babyface "Soon as I get Home from Work" deal that many women seem to want is not balance...and it'll give a brotha a heart attack.
I concur
Well put, Amadeo. When you play on a team, everybody can't be the center. Everybody can't be the forward or the guard. People can be versatile and adaptable. But, when it comes down to it, when folks start showboating, or acting outside of their job description (which should be a mutually agreed upon delineation of expectations and responsibilities), you end up with a whole lotta collisions. I don't see anything wrong with teamwork. I don't see anything wrong with people choosing to fulfill, or select partners who fulfill, their ideal of gender roles within the household. So long as there is parity in opportunity, in rights, priveledges and advantages, what's the problem in being different from one another? Opposites attract because it fosters balance.
i don't give a damn about gender roles.
just cook. but keep your hands off your genitals when you do.
the rest is negotiable.
So women's stuggle for societal "equality" as you describe it is contributing to the "demasculinization" of the black man? Not knowing the whole story, I dare not comment on your friends 20 yr old no account brother, other than to say there are probably other influences about causing his slothfulness.
You make some strong points though, and I concur w/BZ, cause what works in your house, might not fly in mine and you need to align yourself with someone who fulfills that roll and not try or expect them change when you see they do not.
OMG, that chili pepper in the drawers has just left an image in my mind that I may steal for a cartoon.
MEN ARE LESS Manly these days...its sickening and very discouraging to women such as myself...it seems real men are dead or perhaps in prison..well maybe in prison being that they are turned out in there.
Hey you have good topics, interesting read my brotha!!
i would venture to say men are less manly these days, but not entirely because of gains made by women.
the real problem, it seems, are less men in the homes. how can one become a real man if a real man of some sort -- brotha, dad, uncle, etc -- is not there to show him what that means.
black society perpetuates bullshit. and unfortunately, too many black men perpetuate the idea of "pimpin'," which young men these days have chosen to mean to lay up on some woman and not do shit.
we have too many mommas out here servin' as enablers instead of giving their sons a square kick in the biz-alls. why? again, with no man in the house showing better, mommas think the way to handle everything is to negotiate and take care of.
fugg all dat.
if yo son ain't getting a job, don't give him money and enable his laziness.
if he ain't doing right in school, don't bitch at the teacher and blame him/her for his bullshit.
if yo son bringing home babies, don't ease the way by taking care of them.
in other words, let him grow da fuc up.
this way, years from now, women like me won't be cussing him out 'cause he's trifling.
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